I don’t know what I want.

Oh wow I wasn’t going to write this post. I had a whole other one planned but as we all know plans go a bit pear-shaped.

I was again thinking about actions we take and I realised I didn’t act if I wasn’t sure what I wanted. So here goes something extreme for this little one.

I don’t know what I want and from now on I’m going to follow my heart and act anyway.

I can’t stop smiling now I’ve written it out. It feels so freeing to admit it to myself.

I always assumed you have to know what you want before you take action. I was so wrong. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what you want. It never has. The action is still from a place true to me. My heart. We can always make choices and go with whatever outcome. In fact sometimes making the choice is exactly what we need to do to show us what we do want. This is really what taking a leap of faith is all about.

I’ve taken some huge risks in my life which were so organic I didn’t even feel I was making a choice. In those moments I knew what I wanted. So what if I don’t know what I want? What do I do then? Up until now I’ve not acted. Not really. I’ve sat in meditation hoping something would come to me, I’ve consulted the oracles aka my friends, but I’ve not really accepted I don’t know what I want, so really I’ve done little.

I always assumed my subconscious knew what I wanted. That’s not always true. I don’t know if our subconscious even knows what we want until it has a few facts; until we’ve a little more of the story. Sometimes it takes one thing and sometimes it’s takes time and more experience.

We’re fated but we’re not destined every single moment to know where we’re going, how we reach our fate. We have to test the waters once in a while. Not knowing what we want doesn’t have to be the obstacle here, it can be the portal. At some point we will know what we want and then something else will come up and we won’t know and on it goes. It’s beautiful because if we’re not tied down by not knowing what we want all the time, we’ll see things we’d never have seen otherwise.

In the past I’ve been quiet, held back, behaved confusingly, said nothing and asked for nothing because I worried I didn’t know what outcome I wanted. What if I then had to deal with something I never wanted in the first place? So silly, and nothing more than an excuse to hedge my bets and play dumb.

I spend my time writing about going with the flow and lily pads and following your heart and all along I couldn’t see it’s Ok to not know what I want. Maybe it was a final control thing. I thought if I didn’t know what I wanted I’d have less control over the outcome. Yet I know we don’t anyway. This moment is it.

Maybe I need to be harder on myself over something so damn obvious but the more I think about this, the more I understand, we see what we need to when we need to. Tonight I feel so relieved to understand this. It’s not an aha moment for me; it’s much more than that.

It’s curious, I dreamt last night (and I rarely remember dreams) I was swimming with a marine biologist who I’ve never met in life and he looked like no one I know. We were crossing a harbour I’ve never seen before. He told me to look down and we could see the the patterns of waves on the seabed. He said ‘in the deepest ocean you can see the bottom’. We swam looking down in the clearest sea and I wasn’t afraid because I could see the sandy seabed. As we moved closer to the shore the seabed turned rocky and he stopped swimming. He said to me, ‘thank you for taking this journey with me’. The dream ended with me treading water close to the shore and wondering if I wanted to swim to land.

I don’t know what I want, I don’t know if I want to go to the shore, but I want to start swimming and see what happens.